The Relaxation Paradox

Welcome back! I have been struggling lately between wanting to relax and having some quality me time and worrying/needing to have my “wild man” close to me. It truly is mind boggling! Being a “new” single parent, I am just at loss on how to truly relax and let Henry spread his wings and expand his horizons. I have to giggle a little because the kid is only two and a half. But seriously, how do you ladies do it?!? Is it just because this is my first child?

Okay, perhaps I should start at the beginning. When I say beginning I mean the start of the being the single parent. I am not sure if it was the trauma from losing Adam or the control freak in me that just hates not being near my kid. Even when I go to my parents house for the weekend, wherever Henry is I am a few steps behind him. Could it be some crazy irrational fear of losing him to that draws me closer? Its quite perplexing. I think to myself how I would kill to just five minutes of quiet, but whenever those moments arrive, I find myself always drawn to my son. It could also stem from the fact that quiet in a toddler’s house usually means mischief. Help me out y’all… do you ever feel this way? For me it truly is a paradox. I am torn between a want and a need. As mother I want my son to be with me always, but as a human I crave my freedom and a few minutes here and there to tend to some self care. IT REALLY IS QUITE FRUSTRATING!!!

Balance is the key. That is the answer for just about everything in life. For someone like me, that is easier said that done. I get bogged down in all the things that I know I should do, need to do, are required to do, and I always push my needs and wants to the backburner. I have not mastered the Art of putting things to the side because I know I should stop and take a bath, maybe enjoy some of the “mom juice” , or “dad soda” (that’s what Adam called beer after Henry was born). When I don’t do the dishes after dinner or fold the laundry I just pulled out is purely out of need to rest rather that wanting to do a preferred activity. How can I achieve the balance that is so desperately needed? How can I learn to stop and take time for me, when it is clearly not in my nature to do so? There are so many question that pulse through my mind, and there in lies the next issues when it comes to relaxation.

Anxiety sets in. Let’s say I decide to take a bath after I am finally able to get Henry down for the night. I will try to make it as relaxing as possible. I will spend the entire time making a mental to do list of all the things that I need to make sure I get done, both personal and professional. So let face it, relaxation just doesn’t happen. I know that I have a lot to face currently, but I know I am not alone. There is bound to be others that are experiencing the same thing. I am nobody special.

So where do we go from here? How can I get from point A to point B? There is going to have to be some serious soul searching and routines to be put in place to ensure that I able to unwind and let my guard down. Give my mind and body a rest. Allow my emotions the opportunity to be unleashed without the fear of being seen or judged. I will be touching on this subject again to give an update. But in the mean time, I would love to hear about the strategies you all use! Thank you in advance!!!

-K. Marin