Welcome to the twilight zone where nothing is as it seems. We don’t even know ourselves in this “alternate reality”. I am slowly discovering my true self while working through life’s mountains and valleys. All isn’t always what it seems. Lets take the ocean as an example. The waves churn the part that we see can make the surface seems chaotic and unable to rest. Yet underneath the ocean, the landscape is quiet, serene, and full of life. This is going to be difficult for me to admit, but in doing so it reminds me that I am human and not a machine….even though it feels more like the latter everyday. I feel like a front is necessary to keep those probing questions at bay. I have realized that I don’t really like sharing my feelings, and would prefer for people to view me as stoic and strong. However, that is not always reality. I am in the inverted ocean.
On the outside, I have work hard on the person that I want everyone to think I am. This front is that I am at peace with my situation and living life to the fullest. All though I have been through hell, I am okay. I do my best to keep the crazy storm at bay. I prefer for my personal struggles to not be noticed by all, just those who are closest to me, and even sometimes I will put this front up with those people. What is the reason for me to expend all this energy? I don’t want or need people’s pity or sympathy. I am grateful for all the notes and and words in the beginning, but honestly now I really want to put in the past. What’s that phrase… Fake it until you make it! That is the plan. The more consistent I am with this eventually my front will just become a habit. Hopefully my life will become easier and easier as I move past everything, but I don’t think the outside is the problem. Let me bring a Disney reference to the table. For those of you who have seen Frozen there is a line ” Conceal. Don’t feel. Don’t let it show.” I have really connected with that in a sense. I feel like I am hiding such a great sorrow, but I feel like I am doing it to bring comfort to others and avoid addressing my true feelings.
And now on to the chaos. There are so many different emotions and scenarios running through my mind. My psyche feels like the autobahn with tons of cars racing! I feel like everything is so loud that is it difficult to hear my inner voice. There is grief, worry, sorrow, longing, fear, anger, loneliness, and much more just tormenting me. It like the raging sea during a hurricane. Just when I feel like my head is above water waves crash over me and drag me back down. There are many times that I feel like I am just drowning in emotion, and there is no place or time for me to release that negative energy. It slowly poisons my personality and indirectly my life. This is something that I can’t allow. If you read my post “Strength: A Superpower?”, this is the moment that choice is crucial! I have to decide to continue pushing forward, no matter how many times I am pulled under.
Being an inverted ocean just seems to be my way of working through things that are difficult. I have always been one to internalize everything. This is not always a bad thing, but I do feel like it could be while dealing with these kinds of emotions. I am working through this and getting over my fear of letting my feelings show. There are moments when I allow myself to show that vulnerability, but most of the time that is not the case. This is a slow and difficult process, but I will prevail.