Toxicity of Loss

Death doesn’t just change your circumstances, routine, or status…it changes you! I am still trying to determine if this change is for the better or worse. This complication of life really knows how to drag us to our lowest…or so we thought. Perhaps it is not the the situation that involves death, but the grief that follows which is the culprit. Perhaps they are a team and work together Like Joker and Harley Quinn. They embody so much negativity, fear, and guilt. It is so easy to become consumed by the emotions due to just losing the will to press on. Being exhausted from the constant flow of raw emotions. My Catholic faith tells me that death is not the end, and Adam is where he is free of whatever ailed him, but honestly that does not take away the hurt, anxiety, depression… Frankly, I don’t want it to! It is essential for my personality development. When you lose someone so close to you become a different person.

So let me elaborate on my thinking . Death is the creator of the black hole. It is what leave us needing one more minute, wishing for one more hug. This black hole is beginning. It forces us to begin contemplating our own mortality and planting the seeds of guilt. It exacerbates our insecurities and our fears. Guilt is the gravitational pull of this black hole. It takes hold of us and it is difficult and sometimes impossible to break free of. It all begins by just feeling the empty space that is now occupying your heart. Depending on how long and how much that particular person impacted you will determine how much you change. For my case, I was involved with Adam for eleven years, and of course, the relationship of a husband and wife it the most intimate relationship you have. Together we enjoyed many things that most young couples do…hanging out with friends, going on little excursion or trips, and so many other things. That did not change all that much when Henry was born. It just looked different. Now I have lost my desire for all of those things. My fear and grief have changed me. For someone who enjoyed being around people, I have alienated myself from many. For a person who enjoyed the outdoors and being active, I have become someone who would prefer to just exist on my couch. I choose to perseverate on the things that I wish I did. Did I press him enough about the doctor? Why couldn’t I figure what the triggers were for the seizures? Why didn’t I make him see his doctor regularly? What else could I have done to prevent this? How am I going to ensure my son’s success with a lack of male influence in his life? I spending hours and hours trying to find something to break me out of the gravitation pull. I find myself spiraling deeper and deeper. Just when you feel like you are making progress and you start to relax….BAM!!! It certainly does not help one bit, when your mind revolts and provides you a glimpse of what you desire the most in a vivid dream. You spend what seems like eternity in the most wonderful utopia with all you wish your life was, only to be abruptly awoken by reality. You have to wonder if the toxicity of these emotions will eventually overwhelm you. It is futile to even trying to fight your way through?

I know this is definitely heavy, but I have been thinking a lot about how this has affected me. I know that it will not feel like this forever, and eventually the guilt will become less and less. I will never be whole again, and learning to live with that will be the hardest hurdle. I’m just exhausted, but there is no rest for the weary. If only there was an antidote.

K. Marin