We are quickly approach the anniversary of Adam’s passing. The anxiety is high and the grief is extremely heavy. As I look back on all of the things that have transpired since that devastating day, I have a few thoughts I would like to share. For those of you who have experienced any loss of someone that you were extremely close with , the “first” of everything is the hardest…. or is it? I know you are thinking wait a minute…what are you saying Kari? Well, I can only speak for myself, but I assure you they are tough, but not as tough as the days/nights in between. I am hoping you will understand once we dive into it. It is easy to see the most striking details, however it is even more imperative that we understand the minute details of day to day life when dealing with grief and loss.
Dark matter is the absence of everything. Honestly, that is how it felt for a long time after Adam passed. I still have days/moments where the feeling creeps back up to the surface. I feel this the most when it is just me and Henry. Sure the first Christmas, Thanksgiving, and all other holidays were difficult, but I was surrounded by friends and family. That alone brought so much love and support to me. Even though we were missing the patriarch of our family, I couldn’t help but feel all the love and allow it to lift my spirits. It is the absence of that physical and emotional support, that the emotions run ramped and despair begins to move in. It is the late nights of wishing for his arms to hold me. It is the waking up and rolling over to an empty bed. This may sound silly, but having to make my own coffee. Adam always made sure there was coffee. Its the wanting to take a nap, but there is no one to watch Henry. Again, it is all the little things that we take for granted that become so huge when dealing with loss. Just think for a moment. When it is the easiest for your mind to run away and all kinds of thoughts and feelings cross your mind…when you are alone and not distracted by others or other things. For me personally, it is at night. I feel like this is a huge reason why my sleep patterns became so out of whack. I will not discredit the fact that every seizure Adam had was around 2am. The PTSD and the anxiety is what really causes the dark matter! I have to constantly remind myself that Adam is waiting for me, and we will meet again. Also, the fact that he is no longer suffering or feeling like he is a burden. As heavy as it is to bear, it will not break me.
In order for their to be dark, there must be light. Although it is difficult to see the bright side, I assure you it is there. You may only get a glimpse sometimes, but allow that glimpse to fill you with unfailing hope. As the days go by, we will be able to heal and move forward. Make the best of what you have. Hold on the memories that fill you with joy. Do your best to press on, and be okay when you have really crummy days. This is something that I working on every single day. I am trying to do better every day. You are stronger that you think you are. Don’t let the dark matter steal your joy or your soul. Yes, it is difficult, but healing takes work and time.