As we approach the first anniversary of my dear Adam’s passing, I have spent many days and nights pondering the years ups, downs, emotions, feelings, and most importantly my personal growth. These next few posts will be breaking down my year of grief and first year of being a single parent. Get ready for a roller coaster ride. This will focus on the first four months of grief and single parenting.
The moment that I was told Adam was deceased, I was completely and utterly broken. My whole being and expectation of life just burst into flames. I can’t even begin to describe the pain and the confusion that was comsuming my entire self. This feeling continued for quite a while. Each time that I walked into the room that he passed in, it was yet another time the wound was opened. I was attempting to keep myself together and busy. I had to stay strong for Henry, but really I was just falling apart. Every inch of me was hurting, physically, emotionally, and psychologically. My personality is to keep my emotions pretty private, so I put my best face foward for everyone to see. In reality, I know that it was meant to make me feel better, considering the fact that everyone who knew me was aware of how I felt. Henry’s positive personality and his constant energy kept me on my toes and moving, rather that doing what I really wanted…was to wallow in the sadness, loss, and depression. I could feel the searing heat and the pain every second. It made eating difficult, sleeping practically impossible, and just functioning enough to be able to get through the day. The sheer exhaustion was exacerbated by running after Henry and dealing with his difficulty with sleeping as well. There were so many times, I would call my mom crying saying I don’t think I can do this. I was completely overwhelmed and strung out. I had been completely consumed by the flames. This continued for about the first four months after Adam’s passing. It was an extremely difficult, but I was able to push through it.
Please look for the next post… The Phoenix: Ashes