Just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse… it did. Sure the my life was no longer engulfed in flames, but now it was completely destroyed. My vision and life were utterly destroyed. My world had lost all of its luster. My soul was completely broken and only a part of me was in “ working order”. I have entered the part where I was just on auto pilot…. An empty shell just moving through her day.
Morning: get up, get dressed, make lunches, wake up Henry, get him dressed, feed him, drop him off at school, and head to work.
Work, work, work. Everything took me five times longer because my mind was so preoccupied that it was incredible difficult… sometimes down right impossible to focus on anything.
Evening: get home, let out Mia, make sure Henry went to the bathroom, feed Henry and eat, do homework with Henry, bathe, get Henry ready for bed, and lay there (sleep was almost nonexistent) until it was time to do it all over again.
I followed this same routine practically everyday for what seemed forever. It was all I could do to keep moving. Henry needed a mom and I was there. I went through the motions and put a smile on my face. The person that was while Adam was here, died with him. I almost didn’t recognize myself. I had lost all desires. When I did sleep my mind revolted and would give me dreams that were so vivid and real that when I woke up I was hysterical. I just wished I could stay in those dreams. They were the only place where our family and I was complete. Seeing as that was not a viable option I continued with my routine and “lived” as best I could being an empty shell. These months were the worst. I felt nothing. I was just numb. In a rut. Routine was the only thing that kept me going. The sleeplessness became my worst enemy. My world and self had been reduced to ashes. I asked my self multiples time throughout the day… when will it get better? When will I begin to experience life again? Is this what my life will be like now?
Please check back for the next part to this post The Phoenix: Rebirth.
K. Marin
Diary of a Momma Bear 