Denial and Daddy

Man, if words could completed devour a soul, I would be an empty shell. My three year old is so beyond his years, it really just amazes me….yet fuels the denial at how fast he grows. He has experienced one of the most traumatic events that a child can experience at a young age. His resilience and faith is quite extraordinary, but he continues to grow and grow each day and that time passing is bringing about questions. Questions I was hoping to avoid for just a bit longer, but my three year old, going on eighteen, is starting to feel and notice the absence. ” Is daddy still at work?” “When is daddy coming home?” “Mom, when dad gets home can I hug him?” “Is daddy going to come home soon?” All of these questions just pierce my very core, and make it difficult to answer with confidence.

How do you answer questions that you really wish you didn’t have to because you still hoping at times that your reality was just a dream? How do you explain death to a child who doesn’t understand that concept in any way, shape, or form? On a quick side note, when did three year old starting saying mom instead of mommy?!?!?!?!?! Sorry, I digress. I knew this day would come and I am aware that this is only the beginning…the really hard questions will come later. Every time Henry is inquisitive, somehow I am able to hold it together on the outside, but my soul is screaming for its other half. Mourning the loss and attempting heal something that will never truly be complete. Having to deal with this almost daily just seems to bring me back so far…almost back to being in denial that this is all really happening. This may shock some of you, but I am honest with my kid. I have told him that his dad isn’t here any more he is with Jesus. I explain that even though we can’t see him, he remains secure in our hearts. Its when my son gives me a big hug after these moments and says ” I love you, mom”….I just loose it. In all honesty, it is in these moments that I can feel Adam’s presence. I mean I can feel his hand on my shoulder and can smell him. That brings my so much strength it’s unreal.

Although we all grapple with some sort of denial daily, allow those around you both physical and spiritually to provide you with the strength needed to overcome your doubts. Keep an open mind about all things possible and even those you think are impossible, because when deal with doubt, denial, or any kind of crisis you never know what you will experience…or who.

– K. Marin