Okay, so I know that I have mentioned this previously, but since we have might have some newcomers, I feel like I can touch base on this again, but in much more detail. Grief, once experienced, becomes a permanent resident. No matter how much growth you make, how solid you feel in your new relationship, or how confident you feel in yourself, grief is deep with in your heart and lies dormant. It is waiting for the right conditions…to strike! Honestly this isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it is certainly an annoyance. One minute you are living in complete harmony and the next grief is dragging you into the depths of despair. Although it may seem like an annoyance, your grief is crucial to your growth. I am not just talking about the short term. I am speaking about the rest of your life. When you experience loss your whole life and being changes. When grief is new, you might feel like your changing for the negative, but I promise you are changing for the better.
Experiencing any type of grief is always difficult to process. The emotion itself is so scary and overwhelming that is make us behave irrational in normal situations. Think of it like this… when you have to learn something new is it just frustrating. You are constantly wishing that you could go back to the way it was. We as human naturally resist change. Throw strong emotions and feeling in the mix, and man that is the perfect storm. When you are grieving you are feeling so many intense emotions, and honestly the biggest one is probably fear. I know I have mentioned that before, but it is true. I still grapple with keeping this little “devil” at bay. It is constant emotional and psychological struggle. Trust me, there are plenty of days that I just can’t battle any more and I have set back. I revert back into my depression and anxiety, allowing them to dictate my day. The first few times that happened, I was so frustrated. I couldn’t understand why it had been eight…nine months and I still seemed to be having more bad days than good. For those of you who don’t know, I am a control freak. I can’t stand…well frankly can’t seem to cope with things that I am unable to control. Please believe when I say, being one of those people, it sure made winning the day difficult. I had to change my mindset, and remind myself constantly to look at the details to determine if I seized the day or not. When I started doing that; things started to look up. I began to find way to utilize my grief and loss. Turn it into something positive…well try to at least.
Unfortunately, grief will remain with you until the day you die. It doesn’t become easier to handle, you become better at seeing the positive. You embrace the change that it has brought to you and face the world with renewed outlooks and determination. Any situation has a good and bad side, and so do emotions. Hard to comprehend I know, but hang tight. We will get there together. Once I came to terms with the new reality that I was given, I tried to harness the energy that I was putting towards grieving and put it out into the world. That was kind of the whole point of the momma bear diaries. It gave me an outlet. A way to put into the words the changes and feelings that I was trying to deal with internally (CONTROL FREAK…remember). The more I wrote the stronger my resolve grew to have a positive relationship with an emotion that has a very negative connotation. It was difficult at first. When I go back and read some of my first writings I think to my self… ” Holy cow, I was really having a rough time.” It helps me see the growth in my physical, emotional, and psychological being. As previously mentioned it took a lot of work in the beginning, but now I feel like we are a pretty well oiled machine. I am not saying that I don’t have rough days, because the nature of the beast is you will. The most important thing is to keep pressing forward. Take the time to learn yourself again, find your passions, embrace the changes, find outlets that are sustainable to help you cope, don’t be discouraged when you get knock on your backside, and most of all take your sweet time.
Since grief will be my forever roommate, m goal is to create a positive relationship and use it to fuel my desires, not drown them. When you begin to think like a sunflower…the possibilities are endless!
” Grief never ends. But it changes. It is a passage, not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith. It is the price of love.” – Unknown Author
K. Marin
Diary of a Momma Bear 