Kryptonite

In a previous post I made the comment that strength could be a super power, but if that is true than that would me a super hero! How awesome is that!!! Except…. Everyone knows that super heroes have a weakness. My kryptonite is my anger if feel towards my situation. I understand that this seems like a perfectly normal and logical response to this type of loss, but mine is almost debilitating. I know… I know… sounds exaggerated, but believe me when I say, it most definitely is not. When I have that anger is check all is well. My strength flows freely and helps me cope with any small amounts anxiety, stress, and/or trials that my cross my path daily. When those all begin to snowball my anger is triggered. I guess I probably should be more clear…when I get angry, I am not off the chain crazy!!!This anger pulls me back into the “pit of despair”. The emotion is completely overwhelming and make it pretty much impossible to be productive. It’s maddening, it’s unproductive, it’s draining…

As a full time working mom, life is pretty chaotic! Everything moves at an insanely fast pace. I can’t work late, even when I need to due to Henry’s daycare closing. I am unable to get there too early, because of when the daycare opens. By the time we get home, there is enough time to eat dinner, do homework, attempt to clean up a bit, and read books. Before I know it we need to bathe and get in bed. All the time we are doing these things, I am constantly adding to my running to do list of everything that I need to accomplish both at work and home. The anxiety can become too much to handle. The mental load becomes too heavy for me to carry. It is in these moments, that I revert back to the anger stage of grief. I become to furious that I am in the position. As horrible and irrational as this is… I get so angry with Adam for leaving me to navigate through this alone. He was supposed to be there to help and support me, and now he is gone! This to me is such an illogical way of thinking. Adam didn’t choose to leave us. He did nothing on purpose, but nonetheless it is easy to say this is all his fault. Why are others so incredibly happy and I have to struggle every moment of every day? It is so true when they say, ” There is no rest for the weary.” When this emotion or temporary mindset hits, it is accompanied by a raging whirlwind of emotions. The absolute worst part it, I can no longer keep them in check. Raw emotion just flows from me. Tears fall more freely that rain in a thunderstorm. My mind rages with the harsh and battering winds of “why”. The wrecking ball of grief demolishes all of the progress I feel like I have made. Not only do am I trying to quell the anger that I am feeling, but fear begins to creep back in. I am left second guessing all the choices that I have made up to this point. It really is a nasty snowball effect. There is a silver lining… I guess. During these brief and intense periods of time, I am able to release all the emotions that I have kept hidden or suppressed. The pressure that I was feeling begins to subside. The chaos that was filling my mind begins to reorganize itself. I can feel the super hero status returning.

We all know that our kids think we are super heroes! As parents, we really are! We have to juggle so many different things. We all have our kryptonite, and it is tied to many different personality traits. Yours could be the same as mine, but manifest differently. I am still working on better handling myself, when I am exposed to mine. When it comes to grief we know that it does not disappear, you just get better at living with it. Constant remindersare necessary that it is okay to slip backwards now and again. The truth is this. Everyone will experience loss, but never in the same way. With that being said, each person is uncharted territory so we have to be gentle with ourselves and others. Allow yourself to experience these set backs, but do not become lost in storm. Channel that inner super hero. Your kryptonite’s effect is only temporary!

K. Marin