The deafening Silence

When you experience loss especially when it is someone in your household, the change is routine is the worst. Our routines and habits are the things that drive our productivity, our mood, and our needs/wants. When something so important is tragically removed (especially unexpected) the shock is quite a lot to bear. I had the unfortunate experience of having to perform CPR on my husband while waiting for the paramedics. Honestly, I know that I was on the phone with a 911 dispatcher, I remember hearing nothing. My mind was blank. I just stared at his face taking in every detail. I had never experienced silence that was welcomed. It allowed me to focus on him and him alone. I forgot my fear, my dread, and my hopes… I just wanted to spend every second I had with him. Once paramedics arrived…the shock set it.  Again, I remember paramedics talking me, but I can’t tell you what they said. When I replay everything all I see is mouths moving, but no sound.  At this point, the silence has become unnerving. It was deafening. Even now that silence haunts me. 

Although it has been almost 18 months since that terrible day, I still hear the silence each and everyday. When I’m upset, silence. When I’m sad, silence. When I need comfort, silence. That physical presence that once brought so much laughter and love into my life has been extinguished. The guilt I feel, the regret, the grief I feel continues to amplify that terrible silence. When I look back at all that has taken place in the last year and half… I begin to wonder if that silence is so terrible. The more I think the MORE terrible it is. Those word of comfort he used to give me are needed the most right now. That sense of unconditional love he provided is necessary for happiness. The intoxicating laughter is required to keep everything light. I miss the good times and even the rough times. I have found myself becoming consumed with the silence. It like gasoline to the fire of my grief. I became silent my myself. I closed off from everyone. I stopped being social and communicating with almost everyone. I became the silence.

I have determined that my feeling of late has been due to the fact that I never truly addressed what happened to our family. The trauma, pain, shock, and devastation all took a huge toll on our emotional and psychological state. I know that speaking this way can raise some questions, but let’s be real. Anyone who has experienced a traumatic loss is effective the same way. They may exhibit their emotions in a different manner, but they are still affected. If they say they weren’t then I would have to question their humanity. But regardless of your situation, I implore you to please do your best to not allow the silence to consume you. Reach out to whomever or whatever can help you move forward. Don’t be some like me, stuck it a rut, knowing I need to push forward, but stuck in the past. It is in my silence that my pain is manifested. It is by facing my situation and speaking that I can slowly bring all those things I have been missing back into my life. The silence can and must be defeated. 

K.Marin