Processing Error

While contemplating the nature of the post, I really went down the rabbit hole. There were so many things that were… are important to this, but nobody has time to read a dissertation. You all already know that I am still working on processing/grieving the loss of my husband, my son is beginning to question his father’s absence, my own struggle with anxiety and depression, and now being new diagnosed with ADHD. This list goes on and on. Yet, I am still thankful that it is not as bad as it could be. As I attempting to process this plethora of new information, learning about my new diagnosis, and navigating the flood of emotions that comes with loss is pretty overloading. I really do feel like that reel you can see on Instagram. ” My brain is like an internet browser… I have nineteen tabs opens, five of them are frozen, and I have no idea where the music is coming from.” I am sure I didn’t quote it just perfectly, but I bet you all get the picture. I do not have enough “working memory” to run smoothly.

I have already spoken a bit about my son’s questions and his feelings. Although he is only four… well he is turning four in a few months, he is extremely perceptive and advanced (in my opinion) for his age. He feels absence of his father and he will say that it makes him sad. As much as I try to comfort, understand, and explain the situation to him, he is unable to comprehend. I know at his age, that is perfectly normal and luckily it hasn’t caused any issues in our…his day to day. However, for me I am struggling. As much as I want t comfort my son, I feel like I can’t. There is so much that he misses out on. It makes it difficult to press on and heal. My sons wellbeing and emotional stability are my responsibility and I know that I am taking care of one, but I am really addressing the other? I do my best to provide support in everyway that I can, but will it be enough? I am blessed with an amazing brother and sister in law who have truly stepped in and been a huge help. Although the questions will continue, and the emotions continue to build, I am ready exhaust all options to support and help my son heal.

I can’t say that the ADHD came as a surprise. I feel like there were always signs, but I had ways to cope. I was always participating in some kind of sport or outdoor activity. This did not provide me with much down time, so I didn’t really struggle in school. However, I noticed it much more in college…you know less structure. Procrastination is my middle name. I will avoid doing things that I know need to be done, until I can’t ignore them any more. Whether it is a deadline at work, or perhaps company is coming over in a few hours, I will wait until there is not choice but to complete the task. Adam also had ADHD, and frankly I do believe that caused me to learn how to coping with the different struggles I had…. I mean one of us needed to keep everything on track, right? For those who knew me pre Adam and now post Adam, there is quite a huge difference. I understand that there has been a life changing event in my past, but that is not the sole reasoning for my inattentiveness to friends and tasks, my forgetfulness, or my “rabbit on speed” personality. I have lost the one thing that kept me grounded. Although it was constant work, while he was here to cope with my tendencies, I was able to rest and take time for me to rest whenever I needed. That is not a luxury I have now. So, even though I am doing the same amount of work, I am not able to “recharge the battery” as need. Its like forgetting your charger for you phone and praying you will have access to one before it dies. Pushing your body, to the limit physically, emotionally, and psychologically daily, as well as living in fight mode is truly exhausting.

It is so easy to become overwhelmed when you struggle to ask for help. For someone like me, I tend to say I can handle way more that I really can, and on top of that I feel like I must hide the fact that I feel overwhelmed (apparently a trait of those with ADHD). Even though there is a processing error, I am going to keep hitting that refresh button in the morning hoping that as the day loads, more is understood and processed. I realize the “road to recovery” is long and arduous, but the little beauties throughout that day make it 100% worth it. The show must go on. I cannot see that light at the end of the tunnel, but I know that it’s there and that give me hope. That hope is what provides the strength the grit to push forward….even if it feels like I am not progressing. Growth is being made, even when you think you have stagnated. So if you feel overwhelmed and there has been a loading/processing error, keep pressing that refresh button. Nothing is forever and you are strong enough to overcome. I try to remind myself daily, that no matter how unfair it may seem and how difficult life is, I don’t have to do it alone. This may not be the life I chose, but it is the life I have, and its worth living.

K. Marin