Past Pains

I do believe that I am now in a place to be able to share some of the most hidden and painful pieces of my struggle. In order to do this I am going to be very candid, and it could be difficult to read, but without verbalizing and bringing these things to the surface, I will never truly heal. I have been toying with this for many months now, and I have decided….it is time. Please know that everything shared here is truth and has left a scar that is visible and palpable. I know I have written about the traumatic experience that I had dealing with Adam’s death, but frankly, this is the part of the story that no one really knows. I have shared this with only a few that I trust implicitly, but I do know there are others out there that have been struggling as I have. In order for complete closure, the hurt must surface.

My husband suffered from idiopathic epilepsy. We could never truly figure out what the cause was. This was very frustrating to him as well as myself. It seems that each seizure was getting progressively worse, but the seizures were not the only things that we dealt with. After the seizure, he would be in what seemed a night terror, I do believe that I have mentioned this before in previous posts. Again, each time it was taking longer and longer for him to come back to the “land of the living”. I can’t even begin to understand the confusion and frustration that he was feeling. I know that I was struggling in every way. I remember just silently crying at night when everyone was asleep, because I felt helpless and overwhelmed. Each time it happened I was so afraid that he would never come back. I remember hoping and praying we would find the problem and more importantly the solution, however, we all know how this plays out. That night will forever be the absolute worst night that I could ever have imagined. Not only was this the worst seizure he had, but the fact that I had to perform CPR until the paramedics were able to arrive. The adrenaline was flowing through veins and I cried hysterically. I don’t know why or how I know this, but I remember having to do this for 9 minutes. I have never truly understood how that affect me until now. Sometimes when I experience flashbacks I feel how my muscles ached the next few days. The things I saw are forever etched on to my eye lids. Still most nights I struggle with seeing that image the first time I close my eyes. But honestly, that isn’t even the worst part.

Adam was truly my soul mate, so to lose him so abruptly was completely devastating. We dealt with this for two and a half years. It was difficult, scary, and completely exhausting. Right after the paramedics came and told me that there was nothing to be done and he was gone, I was numb. I really don’t remember feeling or hearing anything. It was like being in a dream where all you see are wraiths of people. You can’t hear or see them clearly. Time was moving so slowly, and one point I felt like it has just stopped. Of course as a few days passed, I began to feel worse, not because Adam was gone, but because of the feelings of guilt I was experiencing. The words I have do not even begin to describe everything, but I felt like a terrible human because I was feeling a sense of relief. The guilt that followed was almost worst that the loss. It was slowly eating away at me. The guilt grew each day, until it almost consumed me. The struggle was almost too much to bear, and I was being crushed under the weight of this secret emotion. I had to put on pretty face. Smile and get through the day hoping that I would pass out from exhaustion at the end of the day. I prayed for relief.

I am sharing all this for two reasons. By writing this down, I am officially and finally addressing this terrible experience, and taking back the power it had over me. Instead of trying to out run it, or perhaps I should state…Since I was not able to out run it, I am going to learn from it. Attempting to carry a burden alone that was meant to teach you how to ask for help will only leaving you feeling like ” you are swimming with cement shoes”. You will never truly be successful. Letting go of control and allow those you are willing and want to help do so will only increase you ability and stamina to deal with the difficult pieces of life. Look I know I am not the only person in the world who has been through something like this, and some have it way worse than me, but I hope that those who are struggling with realized what I have. Second, since my sweet boy has already shown me that is okay to be human, he has inadvertently started by down a slippery slope that I should have been riding a long time ago. I have to address the situation and allow myself to feel the emotions, if I am ever going to be able to be free of the guilt and the hurt. I will leave you with this quote from the wise Rafiki, ” The past can hurt, but the way I see it you can either run or learn from it.”

K. Marin