The saying ” I am my worst enemy” has a whole other meaning when travelling down the road with grief and trauma. Its almost like you are at war with yourself. There are days were there is a constant battle between emotions being held in check and emotional breaks. Other days, are like cease fires, where everything runs smoothly and less energy is used to manage emotions throughout the day. Yet others are like be blowing back to the beginning or the first moment that your trauma/grief began. For some this battle is easy to see in their actions, and day to day life, however, others are better putting on a “pretty face”. Whichever one you are, I hope that you know that the journey is not a straight line, but more of a scribble. I am still attempting to process my grief and it has been almost two years.
I spent the first 18 months after the passing of my husband focusing on the finality of my situation. There was nothing I could do to change the outcome, therefor I needed to accept the new normal that was given to me. I felt like I had not choice in the matter, and I needed just to grin and bear it. To fight the “new normal” was a losing battle and one that I was not able or willing to take on. During that time, I was able to put on smile and move throughout my day with minimal emotional outbursts….in public as least. I continued to assure myself that I could handle anything that life would fling at me… I couldn’t have been more wrong. When I thought my wound was healing properly, it was really more like healing on the outside only and leaving a injury on the inside. I wasn’t healing, I was masking. My most recent post ” Past Pains” opened up that wound and allowed the pressure and the emotions to be unleashed. By facing that initial trauma and pain I hoped to truly begin to work past/through grief, but I really didn’t expect what I experienced next. My subconscious had other plans.
The day after I “relived” my trauma, I had one of the most terrible dreams, I feel like anyone who has lost someone could have. First of all, any dreams with the one you lost is painful. I absolutely hated dreams where is seemed as if all was as it should be, and you have to wake up to reality. Talk about a MAJOR set back. Well I had one, but it wasn’t all “hunky dory”, and I feel as if it hurt worst then them all. Adam was with me again! At first everything was perfect, but as the dream continue he became more distant. He continued on this path, until he was complete indifferent to me. He could careless of who I was. Needless to say when I woke up, my day was shot. I couldn’t even keep my emotions in check! I had emotional outburst all through out the day. I almost feel as if I had lost all progress that I have made. It messed with my eating, sleeping, and mood. Even thinking about it now causes tears to freely flow. Although this was clearly a sabotage attempt by myself, I am trying to move through the emotion. Where as before, I would just continue pretending as if everything was good, I actually reached out to a most trusted friend. Y’all, this is a huge deal! This is big win. Not only that but I was able to communicate that I was having bad day, and did not really want to talk. I was actually stating how I was feeling and not trying to mask the pain.
This epiphany is so absolutely mind blowing. Remember, I am not a person that enjoys everyone knowing my business, but at the same time, I need to be more open about the emotions and feelings that are flowing. I am amazed at the difference it makes when you are honest, not just with others, but with yourself! Pretending to make progress is not the same. If you keep telling yourself a story you will eventually believe it, but that doesn’t mean it’s true. It is scary to be venerable. It is nerve racking, especially to someone is control freak, that you are not in control. Face the fears that are stifling your growth. Heed the warnings and the feelings that are hidden so far down, that you can only hear, see, or experience them subconsciously. Those messages may not always be warm and fuzzy, but they are what you need to move forward. I understand this may be more difficult for some that others and that is okay. There is not expiration date. Everyone must move at their own pace. Although, we will not always like the message that is being relayed, we must trust the process. The human mind and intuition is a power ally. It it amazing how much more that can be accomplished when it all works harmoniously, and not head to head with each other.