Grief is such a nasty thing, and loss is the cause of it all. The most beautiful thing is with every end there is a new beginning. With death comes life. Although it is trial by fire and eventually that fire consumes all, from those ashes something new is nutured. The last few months, I have felt that change, I have trully experienced the newness of life. So many things that changes and I am now able to embrace that change…well most of the time. I still have bad days, but I assure you the good outweighs the bad!
As I went through this year without my love and partner, I experienced some crazy things. I had to adapt to the new way of life. I had to accept the path that I was put upon. I fought long and hard to remain in my comfort zone and where I wanted to be. Eventually the reality of the situation caught up with me, and I realized you can’t live in the past. By attempting to, I missed out on so many things. Gatherings of friends, special family moments, and so much more. As soon as a realized that I had become a hermit, a recluse, I put my foot down! No more…. Well really something happened that just helped me realized that it is time to move forward… FOR REAL! I had a dream that just reminded me of what my duty was to my family and friends. Adam and I were sitting on the beach, listening to the waves and having a very deep conversation. I can’t remember specifically what was said, but a silence came between us. After what seemed like an eternity, he looked over at me and said, “It’s time. You have suffered enough, let me go. All is well here. I am surrounded by many who love me, and always know that I love you and will wait for you.” Tears were falling like rain because I knew he was right. I had to let go. He gave me a kiss on the forehead, and said something very Adam. ” You will never loose me, because it is very clear that henry has my personality and knack for loving you like crazy and driving you up the wall.” With that everything faded. I know it sounds silly but I woke realizing that I needed to start looking to those around me and not always trying to relive what was. Every since that night, I have felt a change. I am more willing to do things with others. I don’t seem to get panic attacks as often when going into a big group of people. I have felt at peace with all that has transpired. He pulled me out of the ashes, and reminded me to embrace the person I have become and live the life that I was blessed with.
It is so easy to be engulfed in fear of the future and love of the past. Don’t be pulled into that black hole. Be aware of those around, physically and spiritually. Our loved ones who have already went home, still have a way of reaching out. You just have to be willing to listen. For those who are experience loss, please know that you will overcome the grief, but allow yourself to feel it first. That is the path to new life.